The Time of Bats is Upon Us
🦇 And other reasons to mind your draculas. 🦇
It’s that special time of year when summer heat peaks and folks go, “Oh yeah I guess Halloween is the next major holiday.” And for those of us who grew up goth, it means relentless horror movies and darkened wardrobes.
I know it’s not everyone’s favorite holiday, and I live in LA so some of my closest friends out here in Los Angeles live for the beach, Vitamin D, and wildfire season.
What’s that? Why, I’m wearing a Halloween shirt as I write this, thank you for asking.
Delicious death
I don’t expect everyone I know to support my love of pumpkin flavor season, but I ask that you respect my suburban soccer mom vibes at this time. I have no room in my life for people to yell, “Don’t you know it’s just cinnamon and nutmeg and not actual pumpkin?!” at me. Yeah, no shit! But are you a connoisseur of Ethiopian pumpkin curry, aka Duba Wat? No? Then you don’t know jack about pumpkin food so get off my jock.
People who try to yuck Halloween yums sicken me almost as much as the phrase “yuck my yum.” It drives me crazy that it perfectly sums up a frustrating cultural touchstone, but to say it out loud is nauseating. The phrase is more cursed than a VHS copy of Troll 2.
I hope to return to the New Beverly Theater’s all-night horror movie marathon this year, I was lucky enough to go last year with some friends who make a ritual of it. It is an amazing curated blend of movies from many decades, with fancy sodas and vegan “okja dogs” in the lobby. That is, to me, the real reason I moved to Los Angeles. No, I did not move here for the late-night TV shows to employ me (remember those?) but so I could watch the weirdest, dumbest things Hollywood has ever created, nestled in the Melrose Corridor.
And of course I can’t wait to walk around the Magnolia Park neighborhood of Burbank, where all the special effects people decorate their lawns. Enjoy this photographic highlight from 2019, when I was new to divorce and spent more than one night soaking up the insanity. These heads were just all lined up on someone’s freaking lawn, right by the sidewalk.
Dress ‘em ups
It’s been a long time since I had a good costume. At one point an ex-girlfriend and I had plans to dress up as the Boulet Brothers as we had a similar height difference. Though I’m glad we broke up, I’m annoyed that costume never happened! Here is one of my more recent, unimpressive costumes, G-Rated Freddy.
My non-costume couldn’t look more dorky next to my buddy and former co-worker Veronica Baker, who is rocking a stunning American Werewolf in London costume hand-made by her father, effects legend Rick Baker.
Whereas, as a child, I had the guts to pull off gems like this Salacious Crumb. In kindergarten. In 1983.
Keep in mind that Return of the Jedi was a huge deal in 1983, so a lot of people recognized me. That being said—pretty much everyone over 40 said something to the effect of, “Oh… what an interesting lion you are.” I was usually ushered away mid-Jabba’s-Palace-rant.
Amazing spooky plugs!
I like to think I keep good autumn company, and I encourage all of you to rally the skellingtons and see which of your friends are also ready to get spooky. I’m stoked that there will soon be horror movie marathons everywhere, and whoa! Two of my comedian friends have horror shorts appearing at festivals—Kandice Martellaro’s short Don’t Bring It In will be at the Oh Scares International Film Festival, and Sophia Zolan’s Shadow will be at the Screamfest Horror Film Festival.
They didn’t ask me to link those, I just want to brag that I know cool people.
And I really should remind you every chance I get that I wrote a full-length action thriller that will come out at some point in the next year, an adaptation of The Land That Time Forgot that will absolutely have dinosaurs murdering the hell out of people with the cheapest special effects possible.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I am now going to say BAT! because I am a normal human bartender.
(if I confused you, please Google “Jackie Daytona”)